As my mother had passed away the beginning of December. I am left with a huge hole in my heart and a hold on her that would make the Hulk’s grip seem weak. I was told my mother had left everything to her sister-in-law. Upon talking to my aunt she gave me everything of my mom’s with the exception of a few things. I’m grateful to her for that. However I didn’t realize how torn I’d be going through her belongings.
Each item carries with it a memory of some sort. Remembering things I had long ago forgotten. She had, as I found out kept some secrets as well, only to tug at my heart even more. Wishing she had of shared them with me, but not holding any resentment that she didn’t. I have been going through her belongings since my aunt informed me that it all was mine. In short I’ve had almost a month of tears, heartache, giggles and smiles. A rollercoaster of emotions in such a short time. And still have things to sort through. Figuring what stays, what goes to storage and what goes to charity.
The biggest and hardest part is going through her paperwork. Four huge boxes of mail, medical papers, insurance statements and my mother, God Bless her heart, kept everything including cards my father gave her so many, many years ago. Torn on what to shred, what to pack away for a trip down memory lane.
With each whirr and grind of the shredder comes a lump in my throat, a pain in my chest, another tear counted as it runs down my cheek. For every twenty pieces of paper a random note appears that I wrote for mom, a card I got her for Mother’s Day, and I realize this is ultimately a life shredded. Torn into tiny thin strips of random paper not to be put together again. Is this really what it comes down to? Someone shredding the papers of someone else’s life. Trust me. If I didn’t have to, if I could somehow just hold on to her everyday random mail, bills, notes, cards and records, I would. But I can’t. I’m torn and maybe it’s my burden because regardless of all the good I turned the bad into there must be some sort of payment. Torn papers, torn heart to pay for all the pain, heartbreak, worry and unnecessary stress I caused her all those years of growing up.